Waffles, Noodles, and Why It’s Actually a Good Thing He Doesn’t Give a Damn About The Color of the Linens

His side:

See if this sounds familiar. You’ve had a bad day, you come home, and your partner, who can see it all over you, says,

“Hi love, how was your day?”

“Fine.”

But she can tell it wasn’t fine. So she either pries, and you get in an argument, or she lets it go, but festers with it, wondering what she might have done, why you’re so distant, whether you two are okay, and if this is about the thing that happened two nights ago…

Her side:

See if this resonates. You are, once again, in charge of pretty much all the minute details and planning for the next big thing you two have coming up—like, say, your wedding, the details of which have already changed countless times during a global pandemic. Most of the time, you don’t mind it. You like doing the research, you read reviews, you look at magazines, you're up on the latest stats, and, let’s face it, you probably know a lot more about color spectrums than he does.

After hours, maybe weeks or months of compiling information, you ask your partner for input. You’ve narrowed down the photographer to three options, but now you're agonizing. Your partner, with no hesitation, goes for option B. Seriously?

Or you give him just one thing to manage- say booking the transportation, and feel like a giant nag when you have to remind him once, twice, three times to please get on it. Come on.

It’s not Black & White, it’s Gray & White:

Here’s the thing- men and women genuinely process and communicate differently. I’ve worked with hundreds of couples over the last few years and can tell you that I’ve seen it almost universally — among same sex couples too — women (or those who use more white matter — see below) generally like to talk things out. We actually process bytalking through things. Guys (or those who use more gray matter — see below) often don’t. The purpose, for a guy, in general, of talking through something, is to fix it.

So if it’s not going to ‘fix’ the crap that went down at work, why the heck would you want to rehash it by talking it through with her? You want to come home, put your arm around her, and forget about it.

Several years ago, one groom helped me understand it, and forever shifted my perspective. You can’t get upset with your partner for not putting as much time and attention into choosing between the mauve or the lavender. First of all, as we mentioned, he processes differently. Often, his bottom line is one thing — like, say, the budget. Is this one cheaper? Great. Second, he often really doesn’t care. All he cares about is that this day represents that he will now get to spend the rest of his life with the person he loves. Sure, it’s an important day- a big party- with lots of emotions and lots of variable and LOTS of money — but ultimately, it’s just a big party that ushers in an era of marriage- and that’s the most important piece.

I fully recognize that I am making sweeping generalizations. But there is scientific basis to these differences that makes them generally hold true. I’m fully aware that I’ve spoken mostly about a ‘man’ and a ‘woman’, but,differences in this dynamic tend to hold true across lines of gender and sexual orientation- we tend to be more dominant in one or the other- compartmentalizers, or ones who make multiple associations at once- and we tend to be drawn to our counterpart.

It’s the yin and yang that often draws couple together and creates their balance that is often the same dynamic that can cause confusion and disconnect in those moments when our differences don’t form a comfortable balance — and we find we really don’t understand one another.

Scientific research has proven this model.

“Male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. What does this mean?

Gray matter areas of the brain are localized. They are information- and action-processing centers in specific splotches in a specific area of the brain. This can translate to a kind of tunnel vision when they are doing something. Once they are deeply engaged in a task or game, they may not demonstrate much sensitivity to other people or their surroundings.

White matter is the networking grid that connects the brain’s gray matter and other processing centers with one another. This profound brain-processing difference is probably one reason you may have noticed that girls tend to more quickly transition between tasks than boys do. The gray-white matter difference may explain why, in adulthood, females are great multi-taskers, while men excel in highly task-focused projects.”

So Here Are Some Tips:

Headline: pretend what you want to say to your partner is a newspaper article, and you’re going to headline it with “Just Venting”, or “Actually Need Your Advice”.

Use Time Outs: If one of you does need to cool off, do it for a set amount of time- then come back.

Make Direct Requests: This is for both of you — if you’re looking for something from your partner, ask for it- really- be completely direct in what you would like. It may feel unromantic or unemotional, but if done compassionately and authentically, it can save you both a lot of time and heartache.

Listen: yes, it’s been said millions of times, but really. Put down your phone, look your partner in the eyes, and make sure you’re really hearing what he or she wants. Make it a habit- even if it means scheduling 5 minutes of uninterrupted time a day.

Oprah once said, “The yearning to feel heard, needed, and important is so strong in all of us that we seek that validation in whatever form we can get it.

Interested in Relationship Coaching? Let’s chat.

The In-Between: Navigating the Limbo of Relationship Challenges

We tend to be really good at beginnings. I have the incredible blessing of being a part of many of those: engagements, weddings, baby blessings. But we tend to suck at navigating painful transition points.

“Don’t resist what’s happening: it’s impossible to be new and old at the same time, yet we all wish we could stay the way we are while changing in ways we desire. This is a perfect formula for getting stuck. … Your aim is not to experience only positive emotions. The road to freedom is not through feeling good; it is through feeling true to your self.”—Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets

Why Do We Resist Change?

For most of us, no one taught us how to deal with difficult transitions of anything, so we can get pretty darn awkward and lost at those times: relationships at an impasse, a job that is driving you crazy, even, if you’re a parent, a child transitioning from infancy to toddlerhood or childhood to teen, and, of course, death. And so many of us, myself included until recently (Who am I kidding. It's a daily challenge…) spend much of our time fearful when the other shoe will drop in good times, or squeamish with anguish or confusion when an ending or difficult crossroads is actually present, and doing whatever we can to get out of it: medicating ourselves, distracting ourselves, or jumping right into a new thing as soon as we can.

Resisting Change and Running Back to The Familiar

We, especially Westerners, are constantly trying to move "left or right" as the extraordinary Pema Chödrön says. We often would rather run back to the familiar, then try to figure out our way in the wild, undiscovered newness.

As she writes in When Things Fall Apart, “The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs. To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening.”

The Brain Forms New Pathways Each Time You Try Again

There’s actually a neurological explanation too. In This Year I Will, MJ Ryan offers some really great little blips of information on how our minds process change - or don’t- and end up with us so often back at the familiar - no matter how awful and disjointed we feel there. The good news is, whether it’s breaking an old habit or ending a relationship, even if you’ve ‘failed’ before, your brain forms pathways that are reinforced each time you try again. So if you know in your heart of hearts and your gut of guts which path to take, then do it - one small, concrete step at a time,

You don't have to be able to see how it will all work out. You don't need to know how all the variables in the world might fall into place for things to happen. All you need is to have a sense of your intention (even if that is just a vague and wild dream, plan, or vision and to take one step. I often use the example of a man driving up a mountain in a snowstorm. He only needs to see as far as the headlights shine before him to know that if he keeps going slowly up the path, he will reach the top. 

Take Time To Be In The Unknown

One of the things my clients struggle with the most is being in limbo. Sometimes that agony comes from knowing the ‘right’ choice but being afraid to leave the familiar. But sometimes it is truly from a place with no easy answers. If you’re not sure of what direction feels right at all, then take some time to be in the unknown. You may want to find a neutral person to confide in. But don’t ask everyone else. Don’t paralyze yourself by researching every possible avenue of alternatives. Just rest in the unknown. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable.

The example Pema Chödrön uses in When Things Fall Apart is of entering a sweat lodge for the first time and feeling that if she just sat in the seat closest to the door, she would be okay, because even though she wouldn’t leave, she could run out if she needed to. And so, she forced herself to sit in the seat furthest from the exit. Be in that space, but consider giving it a deadline: I’ll gather information and be in the muck until Friday at five. 

When all else feels too much, know this: You don’t need to have your feelings all sorted out before doing anything. 

Make Change With Just ONE thing

What’s the ONE thing you can do today—a singular fifteen-to-thirty-minute task - that will push you closer to growth and progress. What is something that, if all else gets derailed today, you will be able to lay down tonight feeling you’ve made a difference? What will you do even if you don’t feel up to it- even if you’re sad or lonely or disconnected or confused- that one thing you will do towards your greater purpose anyways?

As one of my clients once said, “Not ready. Let’s go.”

So sit in the unknown and discomfort for a while. Maybe challenge yourself to notice three things that are working perfectly right now. Chances are, your feet can touch the beautiful earth just fine. Chances are, you have all your extraordinary senses with which to take in the world. Chances are you have a roof over your head and nourishment on your plate. Breathe. And know a new beginning is near.

Dawn Smith is a coach for professionals at a turning point, interfaith minister, and relationship coach. She helps couples and individuals with compassionate separation, premarital counseling, learning to hear and trust the still small voice within, time management, and decision-making. Right now, with gratitude and joy, she’s breathing.

Why Being Your Best is A Sham

In 2007, burnt out from having moved homes and roles twelve times in fifteen years, I found myself at a Manhattan school founded by a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Swami, The New Seminary. The day I received my ordination as an Interfaith Minister in 2009, the music minister said something to us—it wasn’t a big speech—just a statement, made almost in passing, that has stuck with me every day since: “It is forever that you will be called Reverend.”

There was nothing up to this point I had ever really felt that I would be forever. Since my late teens, I’d gone from idea to idea, job to job, relationship to relationship, project to project, and city to city, yearning to find my ‘one true thing’. I had always longed for that magical niche to claim as my own—that one thing that I, of all people, could claim as my area of authority. But I think I knew, even in that moment, that I could only own up to that title if I let go of the idea that I would ever do it ‘just right’. Even though, on that day, I still had no idea what I would do with my ministry, I knew I had found my path.

Flipping the Script

After officiating my first ceremony (dear friends of mine: A bilingual ceremony between a Mexican Catholic and a Thai Guatemalan Buddhist) in 2009, I started my business in the wedding world. Every day since, I’ve woken up realizing I get to do what I love, it’s meaningful, I’m good at it, and I will likely do it in some form for the rest of my life. Realizing how incredibly rare that alignment is, I launched Whole Life Solutions—coaching designed to flip the script. Rather than starting from the place of the problem, we start from looking at a client’s values, priorities at this stage in life, and desired lifestyle, then get creative on what our options are.  I often find that what holds clients back from pursuing a purpose that would truly fulfill them is the feeling that they don’t know enough (and should therefore go back to school for some kind of a different advanced degree), couldn’t be good enough, and can’t see it all figured out.

Always Do What?!

My only sticking point with the classic Don Miguel Ruiz book, The Four Agreements is that I vehemently disagree with the idea that we should always 'do our best'. Always? What a load of pressure! Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had my fair share of achievements.

In reality, we learn better from those who are not necessarily experts—we learn from someone who’s just a little further down the path from them and can show us the way. We don’t want to be inspired by someone who looks, sounds, and acts as though they were born into perfection. We want to hear the wisdom of someone who’s fulfilled, who’s in the flow, who’s loving what they do, but who’s got the bruises to show for it—the underdog, the one who didn’t always get the top grades, the one who has stumbled and fallen and risen again.

Sometimes You Just Have To Take the Plunge and Go For It

Here’s the other thing I’ve found—the clients I’ve witnessed taking the plunge into a new path who go for it- who aren’t sure if they’re stepping in the ‘right’ direction, but who take a step, any step, anyhow—are the ones who make it more quickly, more efficiently, bigger and better- than those who stay in analysis paralysis. Even if they have to self-correct along the way. (Am I the only one who repeatedly wishes I could hit “Control Z” on myself when I say or do the wrong thing?)

When we strive to be our best, we are often held back- by procrastination, limiting beliefs, standards of perfection that keep us from being our most creative and fulfilled selves. When we know that we’re not just accepting second best, we’re actually STRIVING for silver, understanding that it has the capacity to allow us freedom, balance, creativity and exploration, then we can truly shine.

So just do it. Take one tiny step- apply for that ‘random’ job, ask someone who does something cool to meet you for coffee and tell you about it, brainstorm wild possibilities with a friend, force yourself to stop an art project or kitchen creation at “cool” or “interesting” rather than “perfect”, invite friends over for a party when you know you won’t have enough chairs or wine glasses..

Embrace second best.

How to Choose

There’s one thing that virtually all of my clients have in common - across age, ethnicity, background, and regardless of the specific circumstances that led them to me:

They question their ability to make the ‘right’ decisions.

I’m going to share a secret with you: I’m going to tell you how to decide what to have for lunch. Which shirt to wear. What job to take. Who you should marry. 

Tails.

Yup, that’s right. I’m suggesting the next time you feel truly indecisive, you flip a coin.

Here’s why: when you’re still indecisive after consciously evaluating all sides of a situation, then chances are, it just is a complicated, multi-faceted, shades of grey dilemma. It means there is no ‘right’ answer. It means whatever you consciously choose will be okay. And once that choice is made, your time will be freed up to actually pursue the path, rather than standing squarely in the paralyzing angst of indecision. 

Plus, there’s a good chance that once that coin lands, whatever side it’s on will set off a little inner voice, that will clearly tell you, if you listen closely, whether it landed on the ‘right’ side or not.  

Yes, educate yourself, but with constraints - and then trust your gut. 

Do gather information. But not so much information as to thrust yourself into analysis paralysis.

Bob Lutz, company president of Chrysler in the 90s, had an intuitive insight during a weekend drive, that led to the development of the Dodge Viper and propelled a dramatic turnaround for the company.

’’It was this Subconscious visceral feeling. And it just felt right,’ he says. Lutz is not alone. In my interviews with top executives known for their shrewd business instincts, none could articulate precisely how they routinely made important decisions that defied any logical analysis. To describe that vague feeling of knowing something without knowing exactly how or why, they used words like “professional judgment,” “intuition,” “gut instinct,” “inner voice,” and “hunch,” but they couldn’t describe the process much beyond that.’” (Alden M. Hayashi, Harvard Business Review)

It May Be Time to Just Flip It

Have you heard of the paradox of choice? Turns out, a limited amount of choice is wonderful - we desire the freedom to choose - but too much choice (Hi, Tinder), and we are overwhelmed and end up less happy with our decisions.

Sometimes making a decision is a long and involved process that requires exploring age-old patterns and blocks, and looking at different styles of decision-making. Sometimes we need to try things out in situations of greater and lesser impact until we learn to trust ourselves again. 

Nudging a Boulder

Ever feel like there’s that one thing in your life that feels massive, insurmountable, overwhelming? That one project you’ve been wanting to do for years… The one resolution you’ve been aiming for but just haven’t taken the leap? Do you find your inner voice screaming, “What’s wrong with you that you’ve obsessed about this for years?” “Why are you such a lazy procrastinator?” (Does your voice talk to you in the third person too?...) 

Real shifts come through tiny baby steps

Here’s the thing. It might feel like it just takes one massive push to get that boulder in motion. But it’s not. Often, the only consistent way to make real shifts is through tiny, baby steps done consistently over time, (for an average of… 66 days.) The thing is, we often think of our Boulder as one thing, when it is, in fact, often comprised of a multitude of smaller pieces. Can’t figure out why you aren’t getting back on the yoga mat? Isn’t it just about deciding to? No. It’s figuring out what type of activity you’ll do, and whether it’s on your own, or with a partner, or at a gym. And if it’s the latter, then It’s looking into gyms, and finding what is in your price range, in your area, with appropriate hours. Then it’s figuring out your schedule. Then it’s making sure you have the clothes, water bottle, and whatever else you need.

The 20 Second Rule

Heard of the “twenty second rule”? Make your daily tasks twenty seconds easier for yourself - set out your child’s lunchbox and containers the night before. Pick out your workout clothes. Decide what you’ll have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

The good news is- once you nudge your Boulder into motion, it picks up speed on its own and starts rolling almost effortlessly - so much so, that I often find myself urging clients a few months in to honor how far they’ve come - to recognize it - because it begins to just feel like the new normal. 

So here’s what to do:

• Decide exactly what your Boulder is. (or pick ONE!)

• Break it down into tiny parts—I suggest pieces that take no more than twenty minutes

• Put one, and only one, tiny piece on your calendar for tomorrow

• And the next day, and the next day

• Mark the day on your calendar that the pieces will be complete, and your boulder will be in motion

• Tell someone else (making your goal public, with the right people, can dramatically increase your change dramatically of following through)

• Do it right now.

Acknowledge your efforts. Your are human. You are beautiful.

Bug In The Wall

Are you repeating your old ways just because you always have?

There's a cricket in a crack in some bricks in a wall in our living room. He's been chirping loudly, and incessantly for about three days. (Funny how different one loud chirper sounds from the lovely, peaceful background lull of a huddle of nighttime outdoor crickets.)

I studied what can be done to quiet him down (chemical-free) He's chirping to find a mate*, and, apparently, his noise level parallels temperature. I have basically two options. Cool down the temp, or find him a female. As I'm researching, my teen walks by and I explain. "Yeah, good luck finding a mate in a wall," he smirks. The thing is, even if I somehow found a partner for my cricket and tossed her in, he would continue singing, just a little more softly, to keep her around....

It struck me how often we are like this dear cricket.

Years of studying how we process change, and working with clients struggling to leave what's not working, and I know all too well how often we stick with our old ways, even when they are no longer relevant, no longer serve, and maybe drive everyone around us just a little bit crazy.

We're wired this way -- our brains have reinforced those neural pathways again and again and again - so our comfort zone, no matter how uncomfortable- has become our refuge.

The good news? There's a way out.

Ironically, one of the issues my clients sometimes have is that although the best way to circumvent the brain's neural wiring is by taking steps SO tiny, so as to almost trick us into not falling back on our old ways, we rebel. We tend to feel, "Nope, I need to do more. If I'm serious about it, I need to do a few hours a day. If I'm really serious, I should go back to school. At a bare minimum, I should redo my resume this week and draft a business plan over the weekend, just in case."

Problem is, that's exactly what backfires. But taking tiny, but concrete and boundary-pushing steps IS the key to success - to achieving any goal, to building in what you want, to getting out of chirping in the wall.

We all struggle to make huge shifts, even when our status quo is crazy-making. But the way to break out of old patterns is surprisingly simple- mini, quantifiable action steps, built-in motivation and accountability, and adding in the pieces you want instead of trying to stop what doesn't. You may sometimes feel like a cricket in a wall, but you're not alone. Let's do this together.

One-on-one support is available on a limited basis but if you are in the creative or spiritual sectors, or in a sector working towards the greater good, we now offer small-group coaching that may be a great fit for you.

Dawn is the Owner of Whole Life Solutions, career coaching solutions for overwhelmed professionals navigating major chaos and change. She struggled for decades with ADD, anxiety, and hypersensitivity that kept her screaming in the walls. You can now access tips and tools compiled from years of her one-on-one work in one brief and affordable new class: The Twenty Minute Solution. Dawn also facilitates exclusive small accountability groups for driven, creative professionals seeking to maximize impact and success.

Charting A Better New Normal

“The human brain is wired to favor routine over novelty, even if that routine is unhealthy.”

- Courtney Lopresti, M.S., of Sovereign Health.

5 steps to navigating a major change in 60-ish days

One thing that many people had to learn - and quickly - during the covid pandemic was how to navigate major change. Many of us have been stuck in an indefinite limbo - one with many silver linings, to be sure, but one of foiled plans, forced flexibility, awkward social dynamics, reworked priorities... One of the best ways to counteract it? Set up your own specific framework of goals—use this time to figure out how your life will move forward—with greater impact, fulfillment, and meaning.

Did you know it takes an average of 66 days to make a shift to your new normal?* 21 days, 28 days, 30 days… Have you ever done one of those plans, seen some results, then wondered why it was so hard to feel you’d made real progress - and maybe blamed yourself for the lack of lasting change? Turns out, it actually takes a little over two months, on average, for your big shift to feel organic.

If you’ve found yourself waiting for enough inspiration to strike before taking action, know this:

“Action isn’t just the effect of motivation; it’s also the cause of it.”

- Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

In other words, just do it.

Here are five simple steps towards a better new normal:

 1.    SET A BENCHMARK. 

Think about 60-ish days from now. In your ideal world, where would you like things to be? Set yourself a clear, quantifiable, measurable benchmark. The more concrete it is, the more likely you are to achieve it. For example, rather than saying, “I’m going to be in better shape two months from now,” you might say, “I’ll spend the next 60 days doing physical activity 21 minutes per day (the amount of time necessary to reduce anxiety*, btw) from Monday-Saturday, and be ready to run a 5K (even if in my backyard) by the last week of Summer.”

2.    BREAK DOWN TASKS INTO TINY, BITE-SIZE BITS: 

Once again, this is about taking charge of what we can control in these times. And often we fail because we keep beating ourselves up for not doing “a” task- that is actually a multitude of tasks in one. For example, “I keep saying I’m going to develop a new product/service/program for my business, and not doing it.”

Rather than challenging yourself to develop a whole new thing at once, how about right now, you pause reading, set a timer for ten minutes, and brainstorm all the offerings you might undertake. Tomorrow, pick your top three, and spend a few minutes breaking down a timeline to launch. The next day, figure out a budget, or draft up a 3 question social-media survey to find out which may be most appealing to your clients. Yes, these may now feel too small. But you’ll do it, and your brain won’t reject it, the way it tends to do after we’ve taken on too much, too soon. And it works! Check out this article by Tasha Eurich. By the way, that break down counts as one. So you just made progress. Great job. Don’t you feel lighter and more energized already?

3.    PUSH YOUR BOUNDARIES. 

Astro Teller, head of Google X, talks about making things 10 times better, rather than 10% better. (Read his and other tips of success in one of Eric Barker’s brilliant newsletters.) 

Think about that for a moment. How many times have you tried to take your current situation and improve it a little? I’ll get up five minutes earlier tomorrow. I’ll see if someone else can manage one of those meetings next week. I’ll watch two episodes instead of binging the series.

When you make a decision to make a situation 10 times better you’re forced to overhaul the system. To flip the dominant paradigm. What if you got up an hour earlier, threw on a party hat, and celebrated the rising sun? What if all meetings got halted for 30 days, to see which really matter, or, at a minimum, got renamed to ‘parties’ and required cake and streamers? What can you do to flip the whole script on your situation?

4.    REWARD YOURSELF. 

Yes, it can help us put our attention on the positive, and celebrate our small victories- especially now. But it’s also because our brains work very similarly to animals—if your mind knows you will receive a reward or positive reinforcement for taking a step towards your goals, it will reinforce those neural connections. 

As Martha beck puts it, “ You're trying to apply an analytical approach. You put out a lofty goal and think you'll just keep striving, and the only motivation you need is this vague idea that one day you'll be fantastic. But to train an animal, you give high levels of reinforcement for very small moves. To train a killer whale to jump out of the water, you start by rewarding it just for coming to the surface.”

You don’t have to give yourself something physical (though chocolate ALWAYS works for me)—consider holding off something you love (fancy coffee, checking in with Facebook), until you’ve done your mini-action of the day. 

5.    GET SUPPORT. 

Yup. Accountability. It works. Who do you generally turn to when we need support making a change? Did you say a partner? A parent? A best friend? So, let me break it to you. There are three reasons those are generally the worst people to turn to: One, they can’t help but see you through their (well-meaning) lens. Two, once you know how they feel, chances are you can’t help but let it influence you. Three, they don’t tend to be experts at whatever you’re pursuing…

So find someone who can be neutral- who will not have emotional influence but with whom you can share openly—a colleague? A cousin? An old college buddy? OR, a coach. Someone whose whole job is to be a sounding board and to share tools and resources for the ride.

Actually, I run small group coaching for just this reason- effective accountability, practical tools, and, perhaps best of all, solidarity. Think if might be what you’re seeking? Let’s talk.

Ready to get serious about using this time intentionally, to carve out a future of greater purpose and impact? If you're an professional making a major shift check out whether one on one or small group support, including our new theme-based groups for Artists & Writers, Spiritual Professionals, and Social Entrepreneurs might be a fit for you.www.wholelifesolutions.biz/services

DAWN SMITH