The In-Between: Navigating the Limbo of Relationship Challenges
We tend to be really good at beginnings. I have the incredible blessing of being a part of many of those: engagements, weddings, baby blessings. But we tend to suck at navigating painful transition points.
“Don’t resist what’s happening: it’s impossible to be new and old at the same time, yet we all wish we could stay the way we are while changing in ways we desire. This is a perfect formula for getting stuck. … Your aim is not to experience only positive emotions. The road to freedom is not through feeling good; it is through feeling true to your self.”—Deepak Chopra, The Book of Secrets
Why Do We Resist Change?
For most of us, no one taught us how to deal with difficult transitions of anything, so we can get pretty darn awkward and lost at those times: relationships at an impasse, a job that is driving you crazy, even, if you’re a parent, a child transitioning from infancy to toddlerhood or childhood to teen, and, of course, death. And so many of us, myself included until recently (Who am I kidding. It's a daily challenge…) spend much of our time fearful when the other shoe will drop in good times, or squeamish with anguish or confusion when an ending or difficult crossroads is actually present, and doing whatever we can to get out of it: medicating ourselves, distracting ourselves, or jumping right into a new thing as soon as we can.
Resisting Change and Running Back to The Familiar
We, especially Westerners, are constantly trying to move "left or right" as the extraordinary Pema Chödrön says. We often would rather run back to the familiar, then try to figure out our way in the wild, undiscovered newness.
As she writes in When Things Fall Apart, “The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's a very tender, nonaggressive, open-ended state of affairs. To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening.”
The Brain Forms New Pathways Each Time You Try Again
There’s actually a neurological explanation too. In This Year I Will, MJ Ryan offers some really great little blips of information on how our minds process change - or don’t- and end up with us so often back at the familiar - no matter how awful and disjointed we feel there. The good news is, whether it’s breaking an old habit or ending a relationship, even if you’ve ‘failed’ before, your brain forms pathways that are reinforced each time you try again. So if you know in your heart of hearts and your gut of guts which path to take, then do it - one small, concrete step at a time,
You don't have to be able to see how it will all work out. You don't need to know how all the variables in the world might fall into place for things to happen. All you need is to have a sense of your intention (even if that is just a vague and wild dream, plan, or vision and to take one step. I often use the example of a man driving up a mountain in a snowstorm. He only needs to see as far as the headlights shine before him to know that if he keeps going slowly up the path, he will reach the top.
Take Time To Be In The Unknown
One of the things my clients struggle with the most is being in limbo. Sometimes that agony comes from knowing the ‘right’ choice but being afraid to leave the familiar. But sometimes it is truly from a place with no easy answers. If you’re not sure of what direction feels right at all, then take some time to be in the unknown. You may want to find a neutral person to confide in. But don’t ask everyone else. Don’t paralyze yourself by researching every possible avenue of alternatives. Just rest in the unknown. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable.
The example Pema Chödrön uses in When Things Fall Apart is of entering a sweat lodge for the first time and feeling that if she just sat in the seat closest to the door, she would be okay, because even though she wouldn’t leave, she could run out if she needed to. And so, she forced herself to sit in the seat furthest from the exit. Be in that space, but consider giving it a deadline: I’ll gather information and be in the muck until Friday at five.
When all else feels too much, know this: You don’t need to have your feelings all sorted out before doing anything.
Make Change With Just ONE thing
What’s the ONE thing you can do today—a singular fifteen-to-thirty-minute task - that will push you closer to growth and progress. What is something that, if all else gets derailed today, you will be able to lay down tonight feeling you’ve made a difference? What will you do even if you don’t feel up to it- even if you’re sad or lonely or disconnected or confused- that one thing you will do towards your greater purpose anyways?
As one of my clients once said, “Not ready. Let’s go.”
So sit in the unknown and discomfort for a while. Maybe challenge yourself to notice three things that are working perfectly right now. Chances are, your feet can touch the beautiful earth just fine. Chances are, you have all your extraordinary senses with which to take in the world. Chances are you have a roof over your head and nourishment on your plate. Breathe. And know a new beginning is near.
Dawn Smith is a coach for professionals at a turning point, interfaith minister, and relationship coach. She helps couples and individuals with compassionate separation, premarital counseling, learning to hear and trust the still small voice within, time management, and decision-making. Right now, with gratitude and joy, she’s breathing.